Let It Be.

Dear love of my life.

im sitting here feeling so guilty. everynight its hard for me to get by and right now you probably think its old and pathetic. so do i, i wish i wasnt like this i wish i could be normal and happy for you/with you. i always have so much on my mind and its usually the same old stuff every time. those thoughts just dont go away though, you dont know what its like to wanna cut that vein keeping you alive. i have so much to say, even though ive probably already said it all. i hate my self every single little thing about me. but i love you and thats why im still here. im sitting here, ignoring you because i dont know what else to say. im embarrassed of myself and my decisions the past few months, all i seem to ever do is act depressed around you and thats not how i want it to be but i dont know how to change i was so excited tonight that i thought i found a solution to my scars but then when i really sat down and looked at them nothing really changed it was all in my head for a little bit then i sat down and my mind took over, the monsters inside took over and said no. they didnt fade. theyre still there making you look ugly and pathetic begging for attention every time they show. im embarrassed of myself. every time im with you i want to have a conversation with you about something but then i think, no its stupid im being selfish. i dont even know what im thinking most of the time i dont make any sense and im annoying. im a little annoying prick. i hate myself. and i wanna die. if i do kill myself, please know it wasnt because you didnt stop me or werent good enough, its because i am not good enough for you or anybody else and i dont want to feel this anymore. this feeling of being emotionally exhausted and unwanted. not good enough for anybody. i want to die in the most painful way i deserve. i dont deserve to live on this earth anymore. i lie, and lie and lie. thats all i do i lie to you, my friends and my family and myself about everything my life is one big lie. 3 years ago i wasnt like this i was happy. i know you want me to be happy and be the “real girl you know” whatever…but i dont want to be happy. i like being miserable. its who i am and i dont want to change. i dont want to grow up and continue high school or go to college im not smart enough. i just wanna end it. i dont wanna wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and feel like crying. i dont want people to compliment me. i dont want to play soccer. i dont wanna do anything. but lye here and have nothing to do with anybody anymore. i dont want to hurt you anymore. i dont wanna continue down this sad path i just want it to end. i hate hurting you, i hate making you cry. i hate confusing you and messing with your feeelings i hate you wasting your time and energy on me. i hate that your friends dont like me, i hate how i took you away from them. i hate myself. i hate myself i hate myself so much. i dont feel a thing anymore i feel empty. im full of hate and disgust and im worthlesss. and i hate this feeling but i dont wanna be happy. i lied to you. im in love with you. i make no sense whats-so-ever, but baby please believe me when i tell you that im in love with you. i need you i love you. your my everything you became my every thing so quickly. i love you. im sorry for everything im sorry for writing this, but i love you. whatever happens, happens for a reason. but i will always love you.